jokes-by-celebrity-men-women

The wit of celebrities like Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, Dave Barry, Roseanne and others is irresistible. Have a taste of it.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
-Billy Crystal

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-Dave Barry

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
-Elayne Boosler

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams

Source
Celebrity Quotes - One Liners Jokes