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Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
teenager-jokes-definitions
Definition of Teenager
DEFINITION (1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Very territorial.
I found some good definitions.
DEFINITION (2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")
DEFINITION (3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
DEFINITION (4)Teenager (noun)
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous.
Other Teenager Definitions
DEFINITIONS(5)
A TEENAGER IS...
- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.TO TOP OF THE POST
- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
TO TOP OF THE POST
source
courtesy
http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/family/teenager.shtml
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ASK THE DOCTOR
DEFINITION (1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Very territorial.
I found some good definitions.
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found. Undaunted, she went outside ...
... find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.
DEFINITION (2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")
DEFINITION (3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
DEFINITION (4)Teenager (noun)
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous.
Other Teenager Definitions
DEFINITIONS(5)
A TEENAGER IS...
- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.TO TOP OF THE POST
- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
TO TOP OF THE POST
source
courtesy
http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/family/teenager.shtml
| TOPICS A - to - Z | [−] |
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ASK THE DOCTOR
what-married-men-really-want-to-say
Can you face it?
This is what the married men really want to say to their wives.
Did you say you are a real head ache?
Take Tylenol [Paracetamol]
Did you say if some one else was in my place she would have left you?
Be the some one else for me, please.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Who the hell is Monica? She is just a moaning low paid secretary.
ALL POSTS
ASK THE DOCTOR
This is what the married men really want to say to their wives.
Did you say you are a real head ache?
Take Tylenol [Paracetamol]
Did you say if some one else was in my place she would have left you?
Be the some one else for me, please.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Who the hell is Monica? She is just a moaning low paid secretary.
| TOPICS A - to - Z | [−] |
ALL POSTS
ASK THE DOCTOR
medicalhumor2
Psychiatry
Orthopedics
Sick Leave Note actually submitted by parents to school.
Example:
"Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor."
Find:
What are Male Contraceptive Pills used for?.
Psychiatry Patient
Dr. J goes to the psychiatry ward of our hostpital for his medical rounds.
[Why do they call medical rounds?
Why do they call medical practice?
Find in the definitions below]
He sees Jill and asks her, "Jill, how much is three times three?" Jill responds "59."
He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday."
He finally goes over to James and asks, "James, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies James.
"That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
For cough
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
Orthopedic Surgeon
Q What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon
A God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.
Double Blind Trial
When two orthopedic surgeons read an ECG [EKG]?
Double Blind (Placebo Controlled) Trial tells about effectivity and adverse effects of a chemical, before it is marketed as a medicine.
Common sense for Fracture
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay away from those places!
Male Birth Control Pill
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.
(Times of India has featured an article in October 2007, describing the statistics of increase in Paternity test DNA Test requested for in the Forensic Science Laborator at Kalina, Mumbai, India. - Note by Dr. Ashok Koparday)
Time Release Pills
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Cordless
Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Parents note about Sick Leave to School
(These are notes that school secretaries have actually received.
Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.)
"Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33."
"Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat."
"Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels."
"Please excuse Joyce from jim today."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor."
"My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his Gum's."
"Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot."
"My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him."
"My daughter Jenni was absent this morning because she missed her bust."
"Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault."
------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor's visit
Late one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell rings, and she answers.
"Is the doctor at home?" asks the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his aching throat.
"No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's wife in return.
Source:
http://members.aol.com/parentspage/jokes.html
1998 Last Updated
Lewis Wasserman / lwasserman@alliancemedical.org
Copyright ©1995, All rights reserved.
rest of it.
Orthopedics
Sick Leave Note actually submitted by parents to school.
Example:
"Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor."
Find:
What are Male Contraceptive Pills used for?.
Psychiatry Patient
Dr. J goes to the psychiatry ward of our hostpital for his medical rounds.
[Why do they call medical rounds?
Why do they call medical practice?
Find in the definitions below]
He sees Jill and asks her, "Jill, how much is three times three?" Jill responds "59."
He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday."
He finally goes over to James and asks, "James, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies James.
"That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
For cough
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
Orthopedic Surgeon
Q What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon
A God dosn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.
Double Blind Trial
When two orthopedic surgeons read an ECG [EKG]?
Double Blind (Placebo Controlled) Trial tells about effectivity and adverse effects of a chemical, before it is marketed as a medicine.
Common sense for Fracture
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
Doctor: Stay away from those places!
Male Birth Control Pill
Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.
(Times of India has featured an article in October 2007, describing the statistics of increase in Paternity test DNA Test requested for in the Forensic Science Laborator at Kalina, Mumbai, India. - Note by Dr. Ashok Koparday)
Time Release Pills
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Cordless
Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room?
It was cordless!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Parents note about Sick Leave to School
(These are notes that school secretaries have actually received.
Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.)
"Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33."
"Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins."
"Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat."
"Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels."
"Please excuse Joyce from jim today."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
"Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."
"Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor."
"My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his Gum's."
"Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot."
"My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E. Please execute him."
"My daughter Jenni was absent this morning because she missed her bust."
"Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault."
------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor's visit
Late one night the doctor's wife was home alone, after her husband had been called to the hospital for an emergency. The doorbell rings, and she answers.
"Is the doctor at home?" asks the man at the door, in a very hoarse and quiet voice due to his aching throat.
"No, c'mon in!" whispers the doctor's wife in return.
Source:
http://members.aol.com/parentspage/jokes.html
1998 Last Updated
Lewis Wasserman / lwasserman@alliancemedical.org
Copyright ©1995, All rights reserved.
rest of it.
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